Dear Maasi is a column about everything you wanted to know about sex and relationships but were afraid to ask! It’s a partnership between Sahiyo and WeSpeakOut, and is for all of us who have questions about khatna (FGM/C) and how it impacts our bodies, minds, sexualities and relationships. We welcome you to submit your anonymous questions.
Dear Maasi,
Over the last year, I’ve been thinking a lot about khatna (FGM/C) and confronting my mother about it. We’re not very close (emotionally or geographically), but I do visit a few times a year, and she’s a terrific grandmother to my kids.
We’ve never talked about khatna, so I have no idea about her current stance on it. I’m nervous that raising the topic will strain our relationship. But to be honest, every time I see her, I have an urge to ask her about it and I have a feeling it could help my own healing. Should I do it?
--Naz
Dear Naz,
Thanks for this important question.
In my last column, I offered advice to a mother who took her daughter for khatna (see Dear Maasi: Will My Daughter Ever Forgive Me?). She was in almost the opposite position as you.
Talking about FGM/C with your mother could be fruitful and healing for you both. But keep in mind that a good outcome depends on whether you and your mother are ready and open for the conversation.
I also want you know that having this difficult conversation is not required for healing. Everyone’s healing journey is different.
In my case, healing came from writing and from leaning on a therapist, friends and my partner. I’ve never talked to the relative who was responsible for the khatna because we are not close. I no longer feel anger toward her, and while she hasn’t earned my forgiveness, I can feel compassion for her experience. But again, that’s me.
Renée Bergstrom, an FGM/C survivor and activist from the U.S., had a different experience. Here's what she told me about speaking to her mother:
“I did not tell her about my difficulty giving birth or other problems until she was 96-years-old. I realized then that I had not forgiven her so I wrote a letter giving the details of what I had endured and she apologized by letter. She lived to be 101 and we were at peace as I sat by her bedside. She was free of guilt and I of resentment.”
Here are some things to consider before beginning this process:
#1 Rather than framing this as a “confrontation,” think of this as a conversation that requires some preparation.
#2 What do you hope will happen? For example, are you seeking an apology? Closeness? More information? Are these outcomes likely with your mother?
#3 How dysregulated/triggered do you feel when you think or talk about FGM/C? Ideally, you’d want to remain grounded. Consider doing “practice” conversations with supportive family, friends or professionals to check in about this. Try the Mumkin app if you need more practice.
#4 These practice conversations might offer insights about how to begin in a calm, exploratory way. You might also learn what information you wish to share, and what you don’t want to disclose.
#5 Some survivors can feel re-traumatized by a negative or defensive response. How might you feel if she:
-Denies it happened?
-Is pro-FGM/C?
-Minimizes your concerns or says you are overreacting?
-Gets angry with you for raising the conversation?
#6 What support can you have in place if the conversation upsets you?
One last note: FGM/C is an intergenerational trauma, so it’s likely that your mother experienced it too and might have her own unresolved trauma. Going in calmly and slowly is especially important given this.
Naz, the bottom line is that there is no simple answer here. If you do have this conversation, may it go well for you and your mother. Healing from the harm of khatna is our birthright!
---Maasi
About Maasi, aka Farzana Doctor:
Farzana is a novelist and psychotherapist in private practice. She’s a founding member of WeSpeakOut and the End FGM/C Canada Network. She loves talking about relationships and sexuality! Find out more about her at www.farzanadoctor.com
Disclaimer:
While Farzana is full of good advice, this column won’t address everyone’s individual concerns and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological care.
For more resources on this subject, consider watching some Voices to End FGM/C videos (Convincing, Forgiveness, A Daughter, Conversations With My Mother), or contacting the support line for FGM/C survivors.