By Anonymous
Emotional burnout looms over my head like my very own Sword of Damocles, waiting to strike me down for being woefully human. But the above saying travels with me, like my shield against self-doubt, offering ownership of my humanity, acceptance, and assurance that it is okay to be tired, okay to rest.
The simple fact is this: one cannot give of themselves, their time or their talents, without taking too — taking time for themselves, taking care of themselves.
I joined Sahiyo because of a trauma. Female genital mutilation/cutting (FGM/C) and my experience with it has irrevocably marked my psyche and I will never escape those consequences. Initially, when I joined on as a volunteer, I did so because I thought activism was healing.
Turns out, the opposite is more true.
Activism is work. Healing from trauma is also work. Sometimes that work can be done simultaneously, but other times one must be paused to further the other. And that’s okay.
As an activist, I like to think of myself as an advocate for persons known and unknown, a voice for those not quite ready to speak up — and those who cannot speak at all anymore. But who speaks for me? Who speaks when my voice is torn apart from speaking too much? Who will see me struggling to be heard and say what I can’t?
One cannot give from an empty cup.
Without taking time for my own mental health, without addressing my trauma, emotional burnout would have been a permanent condition.
I treat my relationship with my trauma like grief, a thing that comes in waves, and has different settings. Some days I don’t grieve at all; I feel ready to face the world and speak my truth, denying my grief in favor of naming and addressing others’. Most days, I feel it acutely, a mixture of depression and anger I am still grappling with, and that too is part of healing. I find it important to name the grief, what I am feeling, and let it exist. Honor it as a friend that will, eventually, hopefully, one day leave my presence — even temporarily — so that I can make room for action again.
Sometimes that honor takes the form of writing: in creating a fictional world that I control the outcome of, or in journaling, so that I can name my emotions for when I next get a chance to talk with my therapist. It may sound trite, or even potentially immature, but there is so much healing in something as simple as writing fanfiction, in creating a story with a character that is absolutely a version of myself that gets to live in a fictional world I love. That character may have faced the same trauma as me, but the questions they — and I — grapple with have easier answers in the fictional world I get to control. It’s the answers I want to hear to the questions I am a little afraid to ask aloud.
Other times, that honor takes the form of community, of being with others who understand, and candidly naming the emotions we are feeling. Being with other members of Sahiyo, even for small periods of time, is a form of healing I didn’t realize I needed until I joined the 2022 Activists’ Retreat and really processed that I was not alone in what I felt. Just like activism, healing does not have to be done solo.
Other times still, it is about escaping, about finding something that lets me be unplugged from it all. Turning off my notifications and disappearing into a new craft project; watching a show that I know makes me happy; resetting my thoughts and getting a good night’s sleep because tomorrow will still be there, waiting to arrive, and the work will still be there, waiting to get done, and the journey does not always have to be about moving forward. Sometimes, it can be about resting.
One cannot give from an empty cup.
I cannot give my time or energy to Sahiyo without first dedicating time and energy to myself. The greatest lesson I have learned on my healing journey is that I must be my greatest advocate, must learn when I need to step back and lean on the love of friends and family to refill my cup so that I can give again. Without taking steps to care for yourself, it becomes harder and harder to care for others. Choose activities that honor your talents and your interests. Choose people who will support you, will speak for you when you are tired. Your cup may never runneth over, but it doesn’t have to run dry in the service of others either.