Dear Maasi is a column about everything you wanted to know about sex and relationships but were afraid to ask! It’s a partnership between Sahiyo and WeSpeakOut, and is for all of us who have questions about khatna (female genital mutilation/cutting or FGM/C) and how it impacts our bodies, minds, sexualities, and relationships. We welcome you to submit your anonymous questions.
Dear Maasi,
I am a man, and I have a few questions about FGM/C. I am wondering why it is that women who have gone through FGM/C continue to do it to their young ones?
— Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for this question—it’s so important that men engage in these conversations too. It does sound counterintuitive that someone who has experienced FGM/C would wish to inflict it on their kids. But this issue is complex.
- The writer and activist Mona Eltahawy asserts that “women are the foot soldiers of the patriarchy.” This means that while the men hold the power and make the rules, women are required to enforce them, consciously and unconsciously. Women often participate in patriarchy to remain safely within the bounds of community expectations and to resist the risk of being ostracized or outcast.
- Leyla Hussein, a survivor, activist, and psychotherapist, challenges people to think about the ways that men quietly but directly support the practice, financially and morally. Maybe it’s not all on the women?
I also think that to perpetuate FGM/C, the survivor must believe that FGM/C doesn’t cause harm. This belief is maintained by:
- Not being able or willing to challenge or disobey religious/cultural leaders who spread myths that FGM/C is required, harmless, or beneficial.
- The secretive, taboo nature of this social norm means that it’s hard to talk about it, let alone question its harm.
- A lack of sexual education. This results in poor knowledge about sexual pleasure and function. It also helps to maintain toxic and patriarchal notions about sexuality and gender norms.
- The traumatic and gaslighting nature of FGM/C may result in survivors doubting their own experience and/or not remembering some or all the details.
- Another aspect of the trauma is that some survivors might not want to question FGM/C’s psychosexual harms, because it means facing a Pandora’s box they are not ready to open. Instead, they may steadfastly refuse to acknowledge the harm and opt to stay in denial of both their own and others’ pain.
Silence maintains the status quo. Thankfully, we’re getting louder! Sahiyo, WeSpeakOut, and other survivor-led groups raise awareness and create spaces for storytelling and dialogue.
And there is a group for male allies who would like to help end FGM/C – Bhaiyo – which I hope you’ll tell your friends about.
Anonymous, I hope that clears up some of your confusion. Stay tuned for answers to your other questions, which I’ll get to in the coming months.
And as always, remember that sexual pleasure is our birthright!
—Maasi
About Maasi, aka Farzana Doctor:
Farzana is a novelist and psychotherapist in private practice. She’s a founding member of WeSpeakOut and the End FGM/C Canada Network. She loves talking about relationships and sexuality! Find out more about her at http://www.farzanadoctor.com
Disclaimer:
While Farzana is full of good advice, this column won’t address everyone’s individual concerns and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological care.