Dear Maasi, is a column about everything you wanted to know about sex and relationships but were afraid to ask! It’s a partnership between Sahiyo and WeSpeakOut, and is for all of us who have questions about khatna (female genital mutilation/cutting or FGM/C) and how it impacts our bodies, minds, sexualities and relationships. We welcome you to submit your anonymous questions here.

Dear Maasi,

Following FGM I find touching this region can be uncomfortable and occasionally painful. It leads to feelings of not wanting to engage in sex with my husband and I know this is difficult for him. I would like to try and regain the pleasure that I think I’m missing when compared to others that haven’t had this happen.

– Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your important question. First off, I want you to know that you are not alone. In this 2018 study by WeSpeakOut it was found that, “approximately 33% of women subjected to Khafd [Type 1 FGM/C] in the study believe FGM/C has negatively impacted their sexual life. Low sex drive, inability to feel sexual pleasure, difficulty trusting sexual partners, and over sensitivity in the clitoral area were some of the problems identified by several women.”

Survivors of all types of FGM/C report physical health effects, including varying degrees of pain, discomfort, scarring, or lack of pleasure. 

In other words, sex can hurt, not only in the specific location of the cut, but in the vulva and vagina. And when it hurts, it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to engage in it.

Anonymous, a small but important note: you don’t ever have to engage in sex if you don’t want to. FGM/C is a form of sexual trauma in which our bodily autonomy was violated, and we didn’t have the power to stop this violation. You’re allowed to say ‘no’ now.

But, given that you would like to regain pleasure, here are a few things to consider:

• Trauma often gets stored in our bodies as stress responses that can interfere with pleasure. This can be true for people who haven’t experienced FGM/C, too. You may want to seek support from a trauma therapist who has knowledge about FGM/C to guide you in untangling these stress responses that might be arising during sex. You can browse therapist directories like Psychology Today to help you find someone who feels like the right match.

• Another approach is to take some time to explore how your body does experience pleasure. Many survivors find hope in the fact that the clitoris is much larger than the external part that was harmed during FGM. Read this short article to learn about what kind of touch might work for you.

• Mindfulness has helped me when I’ve had uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, or bodily experiences. For example, when I feel discomfort in my genitals, I have learned, (with a therapist’s help, reading, and lots of practice), to respond to any discomfort as a neutral sensation which reduces my distress. Here’s a guided meditation that might be helpful in those moments of discomfort.

• This issue also has a relational angle; you’re concerned about the impact this has on your husband too. Sensitive partners can be terrific allies in healing. Here’s an earlier column that might help you start that conversation with your partner. 

• Once you and your husband are on the same page, you can explore pleasure together. You may want to create a safe word that helps you to both pause when there’s discomfort or pain. Good safe words are ones that are co-created and bring lightness and calm to the moment – for example, a word that evokes an inside joke or a favorite vacation spot.

I hope this helps, Anonymous. And as always, remember that sexual pleasure and healing is our birthright!

– Maasi

About Maasi, aka Farzana Doctor:

Farzana is a novelist and psychotherapist in private practice. She’s a founding member of WeSpeakOut and the End FGM/C Canada Network. She loves talking about relationships and sexuality! Find out more about her at farzanadoctor.com.

Disclaimer:

While Farzana is full of good advice, this column won’t address everyone’s individual concerns and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological care.